What Men Secretly Want (presentation)

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By: James Bauer

Prizing Imperfections

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

~ George Burns

This quote makes you laugh because it catches you off guard.

You find yourself agreeing wholeheartedly during the first part, only to find yourself agreeing again when he says something that seems to reflect an opposite sentiment at the end.

We love to feel connected. We want to feel close with other people.

But human imperfections always demand a little bit of space. That’s especially true with family members who don’t always politely respect your privacy boundaries.

So we prefer it when they live in another city. We can have all the closeness and intimacy we want in small doses.

There are certain skills and talents that I’m fairly proud of. But it’s my weaknesses I’m most proud of. Well, to be more accurate, it’s the growth I have managed in those areas that makes me glad.

For whatever reason, I didn’t start this life as an accepting person.

It’s not that I judged people, or thought myself better than them. It’s just that I didn’t let them get close if I perceived any flaws in their personality, intelligence, social skills, or whatever.

So you can probably imagine how many close friends I had. I mean, I had friends, but I never totally accepted them as “my own people,” so to speak.

If you’ve ever seen the Disney movie, Cars, you have already witnessed a version of the lesson life has taught me (but with fewer talking cars in my case).

In Cars, lightning McQueen considers the “people” of Radiator Springs too flawed and backward to be worthy of his time. The rusted, mostly ignorant “Mater” character is the worst of them.

But in the end, McQueen realizes the true value of friendship and learns to appreciate Mater for who he is. McQueen discovers the joy of fully accepting others, flaws and all.

I did that.

The reason for my confession is simple. My life improved dramatically because of my personal growth in that area. So I spread the word in case it helps anyone else recognize the value of celebrating the imperfection of people.

Happily, I discovered most people were way ahead of me when it comes to accepting the flaws of others. As I began to let them into my life more completely, I realized something I wasn’t expecting.

Part of my hesitancy to let people get close stemmed from my own irrational belief that I could somehow have friendships where nobody perceived my flaws... flaws they were destined to discover if I really let them become a part of my world.

It’s interesting that as a relationship coach I now find myself helping others to build greater relationship intimacy, sometimes by overcoming the very weakness I am describing. It’s like someone with a fear of heights deciding to become a skydiving instructor.

In any case, my message to you is this. I know I often emphasize ways to screen out men who are unworthy of your time and affection. But wisdom often comes in the form of a two-sided coin. You cannot understand the whole coin unless you are aware of both sides.

So here’s the balancing truth. Imperfections are not to be feared in yourself or others. Evaluate the imperfection and decide if it truly interferes with the possibility of a beautiful connection. If not, discover the joy of loving a flawed human being with your whole heart.

If you would like to learn a method for triggering this special kind of intense attraction. Watch this presentation I've prepared for you on What Men Secretly Want.

Always on your side,

James

P.S. - If you haven't watched my presentation on What Men Secretly Want, you can do that now in the above section.

By: James Bauer

Beautiful People vs Beautiful Relationships

“He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world.”

– Antoine De Saint Exupery, The Little Prince


It’s a bad idea to compare yourself to other women. Not just a little bad. Epically bad.

I once dated an identical twin. We were already a couple before I met her sister, and I was more than a little nervous.

What if I found her sister attractive, too? I mean, they looked the same. Would I feel the same kind of feelings for this other person? And if I did, would the woman I was dating be able to tell?

The whole thing ended up being fairly anti-climactic. I didn’t feel anything special toward her sister. She looked just like my girlfriend, but that was about it.

I learned something important. It’s your history together that makes someone special. Not the way you look. Not your sense of humor, your intelligence, or even your values.

Am I saying those deeper qualities don’t matter? Of course not. Those are the things that make you who you are. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that stuff is inconsequential. It defines you.

But it doesn’t define your relationship. Your history together does.

If the guy you’re with meets another girl with a similar sense of humor, or mirror-image values, that doesn’t mean he’s going to feel the kind of connection he feels with you.

Those qualities are important. They played a role in bringing the two of you together. But your relationship is built on something he doesn’t have with anyone else. Something he can’t have with anyone else. Time with you.

Maybe he met you at a gym. He likes a woman who takes care of her body. He tells you this all the time. So it makes sense if you feel a little insecure when a physical trainer starts chatting him up.

Her legs are even more toned than yours! Will he feel attracted to her?

He may find her legs attractive. I won’t lie. So... does that mean you need to hit the gym more often? Do you need to compete?

Instead of indulging in that kind of insecurity, focus on building experiences. That’s a far more productive use of your time. It’s more fun, plus it will ultimately strengthen your bond, making the so-called competition matter even less.

Remember my reaction to the identical twin sister? She had the same good looks and figure that originally attracted me. But I felt no romantic connection with her. That belonged entirely to the woman I had built a connection with through shared experiences.

Attraction may have sparked interest. But the relationship was built on a bond that took time for us to form.

Are you in the habit of comparing yourself to the other women in his life? If so, I have some sage advice for you. Stop it.

But if that’s not enough wisdom for you, let me point you in a helpful direction. You see, I’ve found the ultimate antidote to relationship frustration.

There’s nothing worse than trying hard to make a relationship work, but feeling like you’re the one doing all the work.

What if there was a way to spark a man’s motivation so he wanted to do all the work? Wouldn’t that feel amazing?

It’s possible. Actually, I would even say it’s easy once you learn just one simple principle about the way the male brain is wired to respond in relationships.

Check out my video to discover the solution. It could change everything about how he responds to you. Click here now to see for yourself.

Always on your side,

James

By: James Bauer

Stop Getting Hurt by Untrustworthy Men

One of our biggest fears is giving our love to someone who betrays our trust.

It’s probably already happened to you. It happens to most of us over the course of a lifetime.

For some, the lesson is etched in memory. They never fully trust anyone again, not like they did before. They can’t bear the thought of going through that again.

Whether it was a divorce, a lie, an affair, or a broken promise, the people we love can betray us in a thousand different ways.

Some betrayals are like paper cuts that sting badly at the time but heal. Other betrayals cut us in half.

How can you keep yourself from being deceived, walked all over, or taken advantage of?

How can you stay safe when you give your heart away?

Here are some ideas.

#1. Don’t give him your trust right away.

Falling in love sweeps you off your feet. When you’re in love, you’re in a different reality. Everything is beautiful; everything is right. Those rose-tinted glasses transform him from just another guy into your beloved, a knight and a hero among men.

But new love is a form of intoxication. Chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and PEA cloud your senses. You can’t see your beloved clearly until the honeymoon period has worn off. Until then, you’ll only see the best in him.

Nature designed us that way for a reason. Ideally, the intense bond of new lovers keeps them together long enough to raise a child to toddlerhood and ensure the continuation of the species.

But these days we’re not as interested in passing on our genes as we are in finding a compatible mate. Those rose-colored glasses distort reality just enough that we can’t be confident that who we see is who our beloved really is.

There’s a simple remedy:

Allow for the distortion.

Recognize that you are seeing him at his best. You’re in love; that’s how it works! Don’t give him all your trust right away, no matter how passionate you feel. Take it slowly. Wait until your vision has cleared before trusting him with the big things.

You’ll know that you’re seeing him more realistically when you start to see his bad points as well as the good. He’s not perfect. You don’t think alike on everything. You’re going to argue sometimes.

The end of the honeymoon period can feel like a bucket of cold water dumped on your head, but that bucket of cold water also wakes you up. It’s a shock, but it’s necessary. You’ve got to see the truth about one another eventually.

In the harsh light of day, you’ll find that you can trust him on some things and not others. You can trust him to be faithful and care about you, but maybe not to balance his checkbook or pick up the right groceries. And that’s fair enough. Trust should be realistic.

#2. Don’t trust a man more than he respects you.

Some men will challenge you:

“Why don’t you trust me? Don’t you love me? You must not love me if you’re not going to trust me on this.”

This argument sounds convincing. Of course, you love him. It makes sense that you should trust someone you love. Okay, then you’ll trust him on this, even though something feels off. No wonder something feels off.

He’s manipulating you. He’s using what you feel for him to get a free pass.

Loving someone and trusting that person are two different things. Just ask any parent. You can love your children to the moon and back, but you’re not going to trust them with matches or knives.

Trust needs to be matched to specific situations and a proven track record.

A man who respects you will understand that. He won’t pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. He’ll understand that trust takes time.

In general, the more he respects you, the more you can trust him. The less he respects you, the less trust he deserves.

Tip #3. When you do trust, accept the risks.

Love is a risky proposition. No matter how careful you are, there’s always the chance of things going horribly wrong.

The moment you love someone else, you open yourself up to being hurt. You can’t know what the outcome will be.

And that’s not a bad thing.

The greatest achievements often require great risks. Failures, wrong turns, and despair litter the road to victory. You can’t escape being hurt if you’re going to open yourself up to love.

What you need to know is this:

No matter what happens, you can handle it.

Give yourself permission to get hurt. Accept the risks inherent in love. Trust yourself to be strong enough.

Because the trust you place in your own strength has a way of revealing your hidden reserves, your resourcefulness, and the new future that awaits you.

Oh, and one more thing. The best way to avoid getting burned is to have knowledge that allows you to predict the future. Knowledge is power precisely because it lets you predict things other people miss.

As a relationship coach, I spend a lot of time trying to predict what will happen next in relationships. Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong. But there’s one secret I’ve discovered that gives me an unfair advantage.

It’s an advantage you can use too. It allows you to understand why men respond the way they do in romantic relationships. With that knowledge, you gain more than insight into the future. You’ll actually learn how to pull at a man’s heartstrings in a way he simply can’t resist.

I'd like to share this secret with you. If you’d like to learn more, click here to watch a video that explains how it works and what you can do to make this secret your own.

Always on your side,

James

P.S. - If you haven't watched my presentation on What Men Secretly Want, you can do that by clicking the link here.

What stage are you in? Visit one of these pages for more information.